I`ve decided

Walk away fact # 1
- some things will never change

Walk away fact# 2
- if there`s a lock on his phone its for a reason

Walk away fact# 3
- he doesn`t get a job within 2 weeks , he doesn`t want one

Walk away fact# 4
- leaves home for 1-3 hours at a time and has a crazy excuse for why

Walk away fact# 5
- starts acussing you of cheating

Walk away fact# 6
-money starts going missing

June30th-July1st

Travelled from kamloops to Langley after my parents got off work. Stayed at the sandman hotel which was actually beautiful and the bed was amazing! Even though we never slept. Baby woke up at 1am-5am and had to be up at 5:20 to be gone by 6 for the ferry. Was so tired. Dad got lost twice I fell asleep , slept through the whole ferry ride and everything else that went on. Woke up felt like I got hot by a bus... Turns out I just needed some serious allergy medication. Anywho baby girl had so much fun at her grandpas house and great great grandmas house. July 1st Woke up at 930am when the baby woke up fed her breakfast got her dressed in the cutest purple shirt she hated it... Got so mad until I took it off.. Hahaa. Then we took boo boo to the ocean and put her feet in the water. She wasn't impressed. But got pictures! Anywho went to the other grandparents house had my grandmas birthday BBQ took tons of pictures.

blogging.

I have decided to blog NOT for other people but for myself.
I have decided to blog to get my own thoughts in order.
I have decided to blog to talk about things I can't talk about to people.
I have decided to blog about my views & my opinions where I won't be interrupted.
I have decided to blog to date my life & see where it goes....

I have always been able to write.. to captivate.
To be able to suck people in.. wrap myself around their minds...
BUT
I have never been able to write a short story in my life.. Or anything of that story.
I'm so amazing at English... but I cant write about things that I don't.. "care about"
I guess...

but the real reason WHY I wanted to start blogging is because :

I honestly have so many ideas & thoughts going through my head just before I go to bed. I always think "I should become a writer" "I know I can write" but .. It wouldn't be a horror book or a romance book.. It would be a book about my life.. from start to finish. I still remember my first memory. It is slowly starting to fade from my mind as I get older... Its a piece of my childhood that I really do love. It seems as I get older the parts I remember most fade.. So I want to blog so that I can remember things for what they were. Not what I want them to be.

Maybe one day I will write a book , It will be successful , People will relate. 

abortions.

I am against abortions 100%.. IF you are deciding to use it as a form of "birth control" instead of just wrapping it , taking the pill or getting your tubes tied. It disgust me how people will get pregnant , set up an abortion appointment MEANWHILE will sit there & get wasted & do drugs and just be so inconsiderate... you're harming that poor innocent beautiful life already... why do so much more harm to he/she?

If you're old enough to drink , smoke & have sex you're old enough to be responsible & get your ass into a doctors office (even just a walk in clinic) & get birth control. There are so many different ones to get that it isn't an excuse. A child shouldn't be a mistake.. A child should be your everything & more. You're life & the air you breath.

I do believe that if you are a completely junkie.. for lack of a better word.. you don't deserve a child. A baby DOES NOT need to be born coming down from drug with drawls.. It's that bad for you.. It's a million times worse for that poor innocent child. A baby is only inside you for 10 months.. You should be able to give up at least 10 months of your life for your baby.... completely clean of everything.

I also believe that if you have been "raped" or something along those lines.. than yes.. I understand to an extent that it would be okay. BUT on the other hand , you could always give that baby life... & put he/she up for adoption.

I wouldn't just do it... Me , myself & I could never get an abortion. My daughter is the apple of my eye. She's the seeds in my watermelon , my stars the light up the pitch black sky. She's the sun my flowers need to grow. I have been blessed beyond belief for my daughter. She's so well behaved & perfect. Such an easy baby girl. She is the air I breath & the smile on my face every single day. I don't regret her & I never once thought I should get an abortion or give her up for adoption.

never learned "the value of a dollar"

I my friends have never once learned "the value of a dollar". My brother on the other hand could save all his Birthday & Christmas money to buy exactly what he wanted.. His birthday is 2 & a half months before Christmas.. Yet he saves it all up. I on the other hand only have to wait 2 weeks from my birthday till Christmas.. but can never ever hold onto it. I have good intentions whenever money is in my hands or in my bank. I get money all the time. It's always coming.. but as fast as it comes it goes. I like to think i'm pretty smart with it.. we all know i'm not. I'm the one that buys everything in the world but it's completely useless..

I recently got approached at EXTRA FOODS and she asked me if i'd like to get a credit card... knowing me i'm like uh yeah.. obvs *laugh* like thats even a question for moi. Well since i've applied for the thing I have been deeply regretting it coming in the mail.. BECAUSE its "free" money UNTIL you owe them back at the end of every month.. or every purchase you make on the bad boy.

SO I HAVE COME UP WITH A PLAN !
Maybe instead of freaking out a little bit inside I can just use it STRICTLY for emergences ONLY!
So instead of borrowing money I can just use the credit card , i'm paying it back anyways.. so why not give myself good credit while i'm kinda borrowing from myself ?

I do wish that I was more financially stable and never had to borrow from anyone.. but nope. I need to learn how to properly budget my income and collect all my receipts so I know where its all going out of my pockets so fast. I hope that one day SOON ... very , very soon that I can budget properly and even start using coupons.

One day soon I WILL BE FINANCIALLY STABLE.

untitled.

TEETHING :

Our daughter was getting teeth right after another. BANG BANG. She got her two bottom teeth on the 26th and the 28th of December 2011. She was using pacifiers so we decided to put them in the freezer after washing them of course and she loved it. She would sleep through the night with a cold pacifier in her mouth. We also used Tempra. Only Tempra no Advil or Tylenol. She now has 8 teeth and when she was getting her top four (all at once) she decided she was no longer using a pacifier so we just gave her Tempra and a lot of attention and cuddles. Cold cloths for her to chew on , now she has her other 2 bottoms that have just broken through and she has only needed Tempra once.

TOYS :

Our daughter is 10 months old now and even before she was 10 months she gets extremely bored of her toys.. ALL OF THEM. Nothing gets her excited or anything like that. So my boyfriend decided to put things inside old formula containers and sure enough now she has new toys that make new sounds! (make sure you take a can opener around the edges so it wont cut your baby if he/she gets it open). Any kind of Tupperware the baby loves , stack them up, put them inside of each other .. throw them around. Pots and pans , she likes pulling them out of the cupboards and smashing them together. Metal spoons and wooden spoons anything that looks crazy basicly. Its amazing how basic and abc children are.. So instead of going out and buying a whole whack of toys they probably wont play with ... make something up! Have fun with it.

Myself.

At the end of my blog - IF there ever is an end. I want to learn who I am inside and out. I want to discover myself and learn something from myself. Like a personal teaching. So far I've learned that I have no will power over food , gets me every time. That I am a serious procrastinator when it comes to working out and it all needs to change.

emlm.

Watching my baby grow. The first time I saw my daughter was in surrey hospital in the ultra sound room. Dustin (her father) and chantel (her auntie) were both in the room when we saw her. I was 13 weeks 5 days pregnant. She was about an inch long. She had her arms hands and both her legs and feet. I was looking at a baby not a tiny blob in my stomach. I laughed and cried. I was so amazed seeing her. She would roll around to avoid the thing that they press onto your stomach. Every time I laughed she disappeared. She's ten months old now and still growing like a weed. It blows my mind how different she is from when she was first born.. She went from a tiny baby with an IV in her arm to a crazy little bum! It's like she learnt everything at once. She hated tummy time , never wanted to be in the tub by herself.. To talking , holding her bottle , rolling around in bed front - back , back - front. Pulling herself up in her crib and the couch. She eats so much it's insane and she loves everything! She walks holding onto the couch , tables & people. She's beyond amazing and teaches me new things everyday. She is my happiness and my true love. She's what makes my heart tick. She's the most beautiful thing I have ever seen in my life.

The ocean

If you stand on the shore the water stretches farther than the eye can see. The beautiful colors in the water from the sunset or the sunrise. How calm it is like a sleeping newborn. How out of control it can get like a bull in the rodeo.. So out of control and full of mystery. The smell of salt in the air the seagulls flying around in search for anything they can find. The smell lingers in your nose for so long even after you've left.. The most amazing smell. The perfectly round sand dollars washing up on the shore. The tiny crabs you find when you flip up rocks. The beautiful starfish you find hiding in the cracks of bigger rocks from high tide going out and leaving them behind. The water rushing in , rushing quickly and on time. Flooding my feet in the warm sand. The caves that the water has left behind. Walking over the rocks hand in hand with my granddaddy finding tiny creatures in awe for the ones I've never seen before the ones I must know the names of. The huge seaweeds I've still never gotten over. I miss the ocean it's like a home.. The city is so over rated.

zen master.

oh where to begin ..

I , myself knew that I would never get an abortion. I am so against it a thousand percent and more. It was never an option and was never even a thought in my mind. Same with adoption. Was never a thought and was never an option for me.

My family has had many problems with pregnancy.. (miscarriages)
I was terrified every single day I would loose her and that was my worst fear in the whole entire world. I didn't know what she would look like, If she would be crazy and go through purple crying. I didn't care just as long as she was safe , happy and healthy. There were other risks in my pregnancy which one day I will get enough courage to talk about. NOT an std or ANYTHING of that sort. A genetic thing in my family. ANYWHO.

The day finally came when we found out "it" was no longer a "it" , but a she.
I was so happy.. my heart almost came out of my butt.. I was amazed that this beautiful , tiny , perfect life was inside of me and she belonged to me. My very own baby girl to call my own. To love and to hold for the rest of my life.

Eventually my due date had come and gone and I was devastated I always starred at her bed longing for her to come out and be with me and the rest of the world. So that night (boyfriends birthday) I but on a DVD birth stories and watched it and ate a whole entire bag of sweet and salty popcorn from superstore and cried. Not because I was sad or scared.. but because I just wanted her so bad.

He went to bed and told me if anything happens wake me up and we will go.. well sure enough 3am rolls around 5 minutes after the boyfriend had fallen asleep.. I felt the weirdest feeling and I knew she was coming I flew down the hallway into the bathroom I dont even think my feet touched the ground.

She was born that day 7:48pm.. And my life had finally begun.. My purpose in life became clear. I had a miracle baby and thank the lord everyday and night for how beautiful she is. I love to teach her new things.. "duck" "boat" in the tub.. "ball" "cat" "dog" just short simple and to the point kinda words. I love feeding her and seeing her interact with other people. She is beyond amazing. I still take her out of bed at night and hold her against my chest like shes a newborn.. I still watch her sleep and check on her. She is my peace of mind , my saviour .. shes the air I breath. She has taught me so much in life already.. I will forever love her , she will forever be my zen master. Takes away all my frustrations and my sadness from the day. Shes my smile and well my everything. Plain and simple.

alcohol.

I used to be a heavy drinker. I was living with someone who made wine , just because it was a hobbie. I had full access to it at all times.

I would go to school , come home and drink 2-3 bottles of wine in few hour time span.. go to sleep wake up still intoxicate and go to school all day come home and repeat this over and over.

I never realized what I was doing or how bad it truly got.. I would drink just to drink. I still don't know the reason why I drank.. I never felt good.. I cried and got angry at everything and everyone. I felt like crap when I woke up in the morning. Half the time I never knew what I had said to people until I woke up the next day..

Sure I was working 2 jobs , going to school and still made honour roll. I had the money , I had no time but I still managed to always just feel like I needed to get drunk.. It wasn't to socialize.. I was by myself when I drank. I'd go to school wreaking like wine no matter how many times I had brushed my teeth. I never knew how bad it was until I met my boyfriend.. and I had given him a black eye in a fit of rage.. for no good reason. I can't justify it.

He gave me a choice.. Liquor or me.. I chose him. Its now been 3 years we have been together and I haven't drank for over 2 years. I am happier than ever. The smell of booze makes my stomach turn. I don't know how people can still drink. Yeah I never threw up never hurt myself.. BUT I put myself in many situations that I am really lucky someone was there to take me out of it.

It tore me and my family apart. Caused so many problems. I never understood.. I was too young.. Mixed in with the wrong people when I was younger.. Always just wanted to fit in. It should have been a sign when I couldn't handle my alcohol when I was younger that it wasn't going to change as I got older. It has made me loose friends.. lost my family for a long time. I was basically an alcoholic.

I am 20 years old and I grew out of my drinking stage before I had even turned 19. Besides my daughter , Its the best choice I have ever made. No turning back. Not saying I am more "mature" or anything along those lines because i'm not as mature as I like to think I am. But I was given a choice , Love of my life or self-destructing myself. I'm glad I made the right choice.

tossing and turning.

i hate when you have so much to say that there's never going to be enough room to write it and you will end up repeating yourself over and over.

- i think its funny how many people i deleted because they could never have a conversation with me and now that i had my baby they`re all trying to make their way back in. you never talked to me while i was pregnant so why the hell are you trying to talk to me now. so you can see my baby.. alrighty.

- i think that i need to hurry up my stalling butt and get on the phone with school and figure out what i need to actually GRAD. not having my grade 12 really sucks butt.

- i think that i need to hurry up and get my L so that im not 40 by the time i get my full license. that would be a tad PATHETIC on my end seeing as how i can do it

wrote for baby girl.

i loved you before i met you;

i adored you before i saw you;

you have taught me so much already;

and for that i love you even more.

you have taught me patiences;

kindness; tenderness; & endless love.

you have taught me priorities;

values; & compromising.

every single day with you is a blessing;

watching you grow; learn; & love unconditionally. 

you are my everything;

 my heart; soul; & mind. 

every night i thank the lord that you are here with us;

 couldn`t imagine our lives without you beautiful.

cause with you here we realized;

 our lives have just begun.

emlm 2011.

please do not take this as I wrote this for my daughter myself.

easy pizzas.

HERE IT GOES THE EASY PIZZAS !

I prefer these over any order in pizza out there.. you control how much and how little goes on.. any type of crust and veggies and won't be charged extra for the extra cheese you want.

make a simple tea biscuit recipe any kind you want.. whole wheat , white whatever.. really only 2 options but hey lol .

make the tea biscuit either divide it into 4's or you can just make 1 giant pizza. Roll it out , stab it with a fork and put a little bit of oil on top , whatever oil you want. Cook for half the time it says to on the recipe itself.
Put your sauce , meat , cheese and veggies put it back in the oven for the remaining time and valllah .You got yourself a pizza !

Buy any kind of wrap you would like for your crust from the store
Pita wrap or  Tortilla wrap
put it in the oven for a little bit to make it crispy but not too long !
or don't so its softer ,
put your sauce , cheese , meat , veggies the works on it and vallah again another pizza !

(kids would probably like this last one better)

my self image.

I never was one to be that down on myself way back in the day... Actually that's a lie. I used to try and starve myself and give myself trouble all the time.. I'd work out in my room until 2-3 in the morning and wake up for school at about 7-8am, for some reason seeing all those girls in the change room with their perfect stomachs and their tiny legs used to drive me insane.. It was like no matter how hard I truly tried to be like them I just couldn't get that way. I have since realized that a have a huge ribcage thanks to my dad and will never have that tiny body that I always wanted. I know in my heart I would look weird.. But in my heart I do still want that. I have tried many diets. I have tried many pills... I have done many different workouts and nothing has changed for me.

I got pregnant in November of last year and I knew I was in my head and in my heart. So I took a pregnancy test.. Let me tell you.. I was so excited and scared I didn't know what to think. She was not planned but she was not a mistake. The weird part about it is that I was loosing weight when I first found out I was pregnant.. I thought I looked good.. I wasn't worried about gaining weight.. AT ALL. She was my baby and I have never struggled with being anorexic or bulimic so it was not a fear of gaining weight. I had other fears on my mind.. Which one day I will gain the courage to talk about. ANYWHO getting off topic here.. I gained the weight and in the end of my pregnancy I had stopped gaining.. who knows why I ate like a horse a dog who hasn't eaten in 2 days.. and I was fine with it. I only gained 15-20 pounds. I walked 2-3 hours a day depending on what the day had in store for us. again.. getting off topic.

I had my daughter and I was fine.. until we got home from the hospital.. a week later and I was sooo disgusted with myself (still am) that I wasn't working out I wasn't even trying to work out.. So NOW 10 months later here I am.. weighting more than I did while I was pregnant.. Not doing anything about it.. I do my sit-ups.. I dance around like an idiot with the baby when a good song comes on.. I try to avoid fast food.. BUT for some reason I can never keep my motivation to loose weight.. too eat healthy. I spend money on fruit and veggies that just end up going bad.. I'd rather eat cake than a celery stick.. But I gotta change my ways before I can have the body I want.

Basically at the end of this all I realized I don't want that tiny waist and no legs... I just want to be my before baby weight.. well actually my before baby came out weight. I will get there one day. That day I will be one happy friggin mama !

ABUSE.

I saw a video on facebook yesterday.. a woman was beating her 8 month old baby boy.. I did not watch the complete video as it made it sick to my stomach.. Even though the video is over a year old the woman only got 18 months in jail.. I am so disgusted and in shock that she would even get 18 months in jail for the things she did to her child in the 4 minute long video.. no emotions.. nothing. Was like she wasn't even there.. Like something took over her and just made her do it...

I , Myself have a baby .. she is my zen.. she is my whole entire world.. my everything. My light in the dark my well everything you can think of that is what she is to me. She makes all my sadness disappear.. I cannot understand what was going through that womans mind.. I cant comprehend what goes through any persons mind when they are doing that to a child , spouse , elderly or an animal..

I read a post on facebook last night.. one on a mom group type of thing where someone had said they used a water bottle to squirt their 18 month old child in the face if he/she does not listen to them... another person had said that they put their child in a FREEZING shower if they have an accident.. as a form of potty training.. People never cease to amaze me.. The things people do that they don't see as abuse.. Its physical abuse to put your child in any kind of discomfort and its emotional abuse to humiliate your child by spraying him/her in the face to pay attention to you....

Please people if you know anyone who is being abused please speak up. Be a voice for those who don't have their own voices. Please contact someone as soon as you can. Even if your uncomfortable with it PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE ask a friend or a close family member to help you call the police , crime stoppers or a hotline. Please remember there are many forms of abuse not just physical. There's Emotional , Neglect & Sexual. Please look out for animals too. If you suspect anything please inform someone. It doesn't hurt to try. You never know... you might have saved someone's life.

BECAUSE I CAN :

I have wanted to start a blog for i think a couple years now. I have so much to say about anything and everything. I think I keep most of my ideas and plans to myself - which in turn makes me toss and turn at night and think "I really need a blog , I need somewhere to write all of my stuff down". I never end up doing it... but today well tonight as of right now I have officially decided that I need a blog. For myself and for others that want to read what I have to say. I have many opinions about different things. I don't expect everyone to see my point of view or agree with me on everything I have to say. 


This blog is def going to be all over the place and not be about one thing in general.. just things I come across or thoughts i have during the day. I can type faster than I can write.. so why not ?