my self image.

I never was one to be that down on myself way back in the day... Actually that's a lie. I used to try and starve myself and give myself trouble all the time.. I'd work out in my room until 2-3 in the morning and wake up for school at about 7-8am, for some reason seeing all those girls in the change room with their perfect stomachs and their tiny legs used to drive me insane.. It was like no matter how hard I truly tried to be like them I just couldn't get that way. I have since realized that a have a huge ribcage thanks to my dad and will never have that tiny body that I always wanted. I know in my heart I would look weird.. But in my heart I do still want that. I have tried many diets. I have tried many pills... I have done many different workouts and nothing has changed for me.

I got pregnant in November of last year and I knew I was in my head and in my heart. So I took a pregnancy test.. Let me tell you.. I was so excited and scared I didn't know what to think. She was not planned but she was not a mistake. The weird part about it is that I was loosing weight when I first found out I was pregnant.. I thought I looked good.. I wasn't worried about gaining weight.. AT ALL. She was my baby and I have never struggled with being anorexic or bulimic so it was not a fear of gaining weight. I had other fears on my mind.. Which one day I will gain the courage to talk about. ANYWHO getting off topic here.. I gained the weight and in the end of my pregnancy I had stopped gaining.. who knows why I ate like a horse a dog who hasn't eaten in 2 days.. and I was fine with it. I only gained 15-20 pounds. I walked 2-3 hours a day depending on what the day had in store for us. again.. getting off topic.

I had my daughter and I was fine.. until we got home from the hospital.. a week later and I was sooo disgusted with myself (still am) that I wasn't working out I wasn't even trying to work out.. So NOW 10 months later here I am.. weighting more than I did while I was pregnant.. Not doing anything about it.. I do my sit-ups.. I dance around like an idiot with the baby when a good song comes on.. I try to avoid fast food.. BUT for some reason I can never keep my motivation to loose weight.. too eat healthy. I spend money on fruit and veggies that just end up going bad.. I'd rather eat cake than a celery stick.. But I gotta change my ways before I can have the body I want.

Basically at the end of this all I realized I don't want that tiny waist and no legs... I just want to be my before baby weight.. well actually my before baby came out weight. I will get there one day. That day I will be one happy friggin mama !